Sunday, March 29, 2009


DENIAL

hurmmmm.....strong word......many people r having this without knowing that they r. i'm one of those who r lucky enough to know that i'm in this state of uncertainty. i always know what i want. i never really care bout what people say or the consequences of my irrational and greedy action to have something that i want. well i cant really call it greedy bcoz i grab the chance that pass by right in front of my eyes while i'm fully energised. so, it's a natural reaction of human being to be competitive and optimist. i am. i always am. it's a bit inhumane but natural. animal instinct that humans adopt and claim it to be theirs.

so what is this denial in me all about? falling for someone. that not wrong. the fact that the person is emotionally attached to someone and that peerson loves the lover so deeply. let's call the person L. so, this L person has a lover which is away (of course somewhere on earth). so i met L n i'm fully aware of L's status. at first i wish it's a total physical affection and temporary pleasure that will go away juz like that by the wind. unluckily, i broke my own rule (well never been stated but i hav my rules). no hang out wif ur physical partner. sigh. people make mistake n it cant b undone. so as i try to move on, not trying to avoid the mistake, i kept on doing it for the past one week. juz in one week. i have developed a thin stupid layer of something close to love. not yet there but almost there. i'm not trying to get there but i wish to b there...somehow.................

so, this thing that keeps me awake is making me sick now. i told L. i let it out of my chest, wishing it will go away juz like water flowing down the drain. smoothly. but it's not simple. i have expectations. n that makes it even more complicated that i expected it to be. COMPLICATED. yes, everyone hates complication but it happens. now it's my turn to swim in it. to get ashore. there's no guaranty i'll b safe but if i struggle a little harder, i might have increased the chance to b safe but on which is another complication for me to look into. arghhhhhhhh complicated, it is. so, L responded very well but not didnt meet my expectation. frustration n embarrassment. no!not embarrassment. i cant get embarrassed for telling how do i feel bout someone. i hav the right to express my preference n feelings towards someone that i feel deserve my attention. (or actually i'm trying to get attention from-denial). this will b over in no time hopefully.





Over and Over
LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa (Alicia Keys)
LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa (Keyshia Cole)
It’s the way it is


Baby I remember
a time when we were so secure but
Now it’s like December
when you say that I’m so insecure and
I gotta get away
cause’ your making me weak
It’s keeping me trapped (keeping me trapped)
I gotta be a fool
sitting here tryna get that old thing back (thing back oh)
Oh


You use to keep your word
was one who always did what you said
You use to speak to me so sweet
with something caring to say
Oh, you don’t even try no more
Oh, you don’t even care no more


I don't wanna love you
don’t wanna need you
just wanna leave you (I swear)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)


It’s like I hate to love ya
a charade we play time after time (time after time)
It's like ya love to see me
confused and a mess I’m losing my mind (I’m losing my mind)
I gotta get away
cause’ your making me weak
It’s keeping me trapped (keeping me trapped)
I gotta be a fool
sitting here tryna get that old thing back (thing back oh)
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh


You use to keep your word
was one who always did what you said
You use to speak to me so sweet
with something caring to say
Oh, you don’t even try no more
Oh, why you don’t care no more


I don't wanna love you
don’t wanna need you
just wanna leave you (I swear)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)
Hey


LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa (La,La,La,La)
LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa (No I don’t wanna here it no more)
LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa (All the lies, Oh)
LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa (You, You, You use to)


You use to keep your word (hey)
was one who always did what you said (baby you cared)
You use to speak to me so sweet (so sweet)
with something caring to say (oh)
Oh, you don’t even try no more
Oh, why you don’t care no more


I don't (I don't) wanna love you
don’t wanna (no) need you
just wanna (I wanna) leave you (I swear)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)
I just want it to be over (Hey)


I don't (Oh) wanna love you
don’t wanna need you
just wanna (don’t wanna) leave you (I swear)
I just want it to be over (I just want it to be over)
I just want it to be over (Can it be over?)

Over and Over!


this song has not much to do with my situation but somewhere in the lyrics, i dedicate it to L. hope u'r not reading this.....








THIS STATE OF DENIAL WILL END SOON





that's my promise.hopefully i wont break it.




mwahxxxx
adam

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